February 2017

Roundup

  1. Immigration

My major concern is how we are going to hire enough people to round up all these bad hombres

Guess it will have to be a load of illegals working for a non-living wage turning on their own. Look forward to bingeing on the Netflix Original a few years down the road. Should get an Executive Producer nod out of it, as well

  1. Transgender bathrooms

The appropriately-named Gavin Grimm is a one man(?) diversity campaign trying to stop me putting armed guards on every washroom to check birth certificates before entry. TBH if I was a woman I wouldn’t want the Gary Glitters of this world able to amble in on me pissing on the grounds that the ‘felt like a woman’ On the other hand, the avoidance of long washrom queues is one of the few remaining perks for a penis. We’ll get inundated with women ‘powdering their noses’

It’s a problem best solved by providing Mr(Mrs(Ms)) Grimm with a life-time supply of adult diapers.

Who says I’m not caring?

  1. Vice-President

Mike Pence better not forget that I picked him up from a nickel and dime store. Apparantly several headstones in a St Louis Jewish cemetery were found overturned. I hear they can get high winds at ths time of year but Pence assumed it was anti-semitism and weighed in with a “this vile act of vandalism and those who perpetrate it in the strongest possible terms” comment. Talk about usurping the police’s role

He’s clearly been watching too much House of Cards and is placing himself as the ‘moderate alternative’ if impeachment looms.

I’m sure he has some skeletons in the cupboard to hold against him. Just need it looked into by my buddies at the FBI. Oh Sheeeeeeet!!

Pres. Conference

I’ve never seen anything like it in my life

NPR Radio

extraordinary… remarkable … smart, funny, kind

The Guardian

I guess the Oscar nominations are all in, otherwise my bravura performance would have locked up a couple including Best Actor and Best Documentary. And here it is unexpurgated, warts(i.e the press) and all

It’s 77 minutes of pure gold but here are some of the highlights. Search for them. Or better still let them come to you: it’s all worth watching

  1. Electoral college vote. Not one of the attempted smears about my claim that I won more electoral votes ever is that I prefaced it with ‘I guess’
    So, I guessed wrong. It happens. I never thought Leeza Gibbons would win Celebrity Apprentice but she did. Move on

  2. I though Hasidic Jews showed respect to their elders. And were smart. So contrary to what he said there haven’t been any more antisemitic attacks than before I took office (I guess). They are just published more by the press to try and make me look bad. Won’t work. Plus there will now be more copy cats. Unless they are into self-flagellation - not clever. Anyways, some of my best friends are Jews - as is Net’n’Yahoo

  3. Some African-American female journalist - whom I dont believe Obama ever let ask a question - urges me to set up a meeting with the Negro League or some such (actually) I suggest she goes and arranges it and I’m the one that gets castigated!? Like it was beneath her.
    She’s just a frigging journalist. Do something practical, girl. Whilst I was still President-elect, I suggested Theresa May come and see me if she was in the country. Some people took exception to that but fair do’s she was here a month later in the White House, being obsequious.

One more thing. I’m sick of hearing about the ‘free press’ from outlets that are constantly asking for donations or limiting what you can read unless you have paid subscriptions. Now that’s what I call censorship

Assassinations

  1. Michael Flynn - Character

What a complete plonker. And Mike ‘not worth a dime’ Pence shows he’s got no judgement by going out and repeating his lies in public

If Flynn was a 3*** General it’s no wonder Obama didnt want to put boots on the ground. Probably the order would have gone out and they would have sent a load of Flying Fortresses full of size 12’s and opened the trap door over Syria. Guess we could call it an aid mission

  1. Kim Jong-un - Real

Upping Putin has given me enough grief so there’s no way I’m going to congratulate Kim Jong-un on bumping off his half-brother. Nevertheless gotta give the guy his due getting his female assassain to wear LOL t-shirts. Puts a new spin on ‘died laughing’ that’s for sure

  1. Me - Possible

Well it’s been a great American tradition which has gone somewhat out of favor (50 years and counting).

Paddy Power etc. are getting all coy on offering odds but I wouldn’t mind having a flutter. When I die and the tax guys catch up with my inheritors they could definitely due with a few million from my winnings in the bank.
Guaranteed fame for death that’s for sure. Jack Kennedy is still remembered even though he did fuck all. Let me re-phrase that. He fucked all

Anyways, I’m going to hunker down on the 100th year anniversary of his birth which is coming up later this year. Definitely not inviting crackpot Kelly over, either

  1. Justin Trudeau - I wish

Well I asked Ivanka to give Justin Trudeau the eye and boy she carried it off well - a bit too well if you ask me.

Anyways doubt he got a Valentine card from wifey this year. Anything to de-stabilize my rivals

Not that I have any trouble getting lusted after as these snaps from the Official White House Photographer show

Foreigners

Busy few days corresponding with Johnny Foreigner

China

First up the Chinese.
I’m playing both them and the few remaining protesting Democrats (there’s a reason Presidents’ take office in the winter LOL).

  1. Started off back in November with that call to the Taiwanese which embarrassess all those liberals who witness me backing a female democratically elected leader whose country Obama, Bush and all my craven predecessors disowned

  2. Then ramp it up with threat to invade the Spratly islands. Building islands seems to be a weird habit they have out there. TBH honest, I’d rather get rid of some e.g. Haiti. Wouldn’t surprise me if Richard Branson soon puts in an offer for one or more but Obama wont be visiting him out there in a potential nuke-zone (Would make some nice collateral damage, though)

  3. Finally, agree to the ‘One China’ policy.

  4. End Result They feel they have achieved a great triumph as though I have backtracked and welcome me with open arms when basically naughts changed!

I believe that the United States and China are cooperative partners, and through joint efforts we can push bilateral relations to a historic new high.

Xi Jinping

They already trust me more than Obama. Have you noticed that all Asians look down on Afro-Americans? They must have felt very uncomfortable over the past few years. Now they can revert back to being in second-place in the traditional pecking order plus show me their longstanding respect for thier elders and betters

Japan

I always thought we owed the greatest debt to China (serves me right for giving even passing credence to Michael Moore) but, fuck me, it’s Japan and there are far less people there. Here’s a map to give Yellow Peril conspirators confirmation that we should not be focusing on Moslems countries that offer a terrorist threat

Hearing that their PM, Shinzō Abe, has never played the game before, I invite him to a round of golf. His riposte is to gift me a gold driver. Gotta admire their Eastern cunning. Play with it and I’ll only be able to hit 100yards off the tee. Refuse and it will be a diplomatic faux-pas. The latter it is then; especially, as I will let him play with Tiger’s balls. You know the ones that always come up swiftly rattle in and out of the hole

Can someone please explain why these guys insist on interpreters. After all English is the ‘lingua franca’. Make the effort

Nice touch that he named himself after Lincoln but come on at least pronounce it right. Reminds me to make sure Ivanka sits in when Merkel comes round. Germans pronounce ‘v’‘s as ’w’’s which should be good for a laugh

Canada

Last - and definitely least - Canada. Profess to distance themselves from us but 75% of the population strive to live within 100 miles of the border. Still will be handy for accommodation when if by remote chance the climate warms up and we have to extend our border North a tad

What with his halo being tarnished lately (follow my tweets for regular updates), Trudeau is already talking of how we had a common electorate supporting us. Who knew there were so many racists and misogynists up here? But the only Canadian news we get down here is when one of their NFL teams is ousted from The Stanley cup playoffs by a team in red, white and blue.

Still should be a fun meeting. With me sabre-rattling on NAFTA he’ll be trying to paint the Mexicans in a bad light so that the Canucks get a better deal

Bring it on Bushyhead

Hand Size

Not too impressed by Theresa May

May made the crack at the Black and White Ball after being applauded by guests, The Telegraph reports. “I don’t think I have received such a big hand since I walked down the colonnade at the White House,” she said in response, apparently referencing a photo of herself and the U.S. president walking hand-in-hand during her visit to Washington last month.

Some Old Hag

Call this small!!!!!!!!!

RStudio

Many of will have seen my latest executive order

This is just a first step as the long term aim is to ban R altogether. English American should be the only official language in the USA

However, the priority has to be RStudio. It has all the hallmarks of a terrorist organization intent on the downfall of capitalistic society by foreign elements

Look at this. All quotes are directly from their website!

  1. Small Cells everywhere

We are a distributed team with headquarters in Boston’s Innovation District, and a second office in Seattle. One or more of us can also be found in California, Colorado, Florida, Georgia, Ohio, Indiana, Maryland, Minnesota, Nebraska, North Carolina, Texas, Virginia…and Belgium and Portugal!

  1. President (with a pretty brazen name) lives in the Clinton heartland (alongside lots of illegal immigrants by the look of voting figures)

Tareef Kawaf President - Boston, MA

  1. ggplot2

Apparantly their premier (suspicious) package. Anything with ‘plot’ automatically raises issues. Even the FBI are aware of it. Guessing plot 1 was a failure and our best theory is that ‘gg’ refers to Glenn Greenwald - infamous for aiding and abetting the traitor, Edward Snowden - who has been off the radar for the past few years. They have a Garrett Grolemund on their staff. Pretty sure it is the same guy

  1. Anti-Capitalist

It’s better for everyone if the tools used for research and science are free and open. There are many benefits to free software in science: improved reproducibility, wider sharing of knowledge and techniques, and elimination of cost barriers to create a more level playing field, to name just a few.

Tell that to my CEO-friends at SAS, SPSS etc.

  1. Pro-globalization

These tools further the cause of equipping everyone, regardless of means, to participate in a global economy

I’m going to tariff them to hell and back

  1. Promoting use of Improvised Explosive Devices (IED)

Our flagship product is an … (IDE)

The slight misspelling doesn’t fool me. And, oddly they have a Chief Scientist: scientists created the atomic bomb, remember

This mysterious scientist goes by the name of Hadley Wickham. Presumably a woman as the rise in popularity of this forename correlates with the growth in feminism

Wouldn’t surprise me if she is related to Hadley Freeman who writes in the commy-rag, Guardian, such incitements to violence as I’ve heard enough of the white male rage narrative and I’m back in America. Is this where I belong? I think you know where I come down on the latter

  1. rstudio::conf

This was a gathering held over a few days last month in Orlando. Apparantly some annual pilgrimage like that trip to Mecca but for Western collaborators. If it was a conference, why not call it by its full name? I think it was code for conflict, conflagration etc. Do not be surprised if they issue videos on the web over the next few days with hidden messages for all their followers

So I would urge all patriotic Americans to provide more information on this sinister organization; stop employing their products; and return to the use of expensive, commercial, non-reproducible software.

MakeAmericaGreatAgain

Der Spiegel

This image has been doing the rounds

If that’s the best the EU comes up with in terms of biting satire they will be no match for me

The only thing cutting-edge about it is the knife

  • “America First”. Well we can agree upon that

  • Smartly-dressed man with a fine head of hair. No argument there, either

  • Cutting head off Statue of Liberty. I’d be quite happy to dump that green-unrequested-19th-century-lump of copper despoiling the NY skyline back on the French (as a valuable export, of course). National Park We are planning to release National Parks back to the private sector and that prime land is ripe for development

Trump Towers, Liberty Island. Mmm! Has a nice ring to it

Why I’m not like Hitler, much

OK. I admit when you look at it like this, I kinda meet some of the criteria for being a fascist

However, associating me with Hitler goes beyond the pale. Here are some of the differences that clearly set us apart

Category Hitler Trump
Background Austrian German
Father Bee Keeper Beelionaire
Military Service WWI volunteer Draft Dodger
Foreign Policy Expansionist Isolationist
Election Won Popular vote Lost Popular Vote
Catchphrase You’re invaded! You’re fired!
Attitude to Walls Went around Likes building
Sexual Experience Possibly impotent Grabs them by the pussy
Physical Deformity One testicle Small(ish) hands
Literary Output 20thC best selling book Tweets
Holocaust Instigator Denier
Thwarted Ambition 1000 year 3rd Reich Nailing Princess Di
Hobby Watercolor painting Reruns of ‘The Apprentice’

Couldn’t be two people with less in common - unless you count Charles and Di (I could have had her, you know)