January 2017
Ban hits the fan
I know all these lefty-journalists flunked math at High School so here’s some elementary division
(people currently employed + new immigration officers)/(current population - banned Moslems) = lower unemployment rate
More jobs - Less Terorism. Win-Win
Why can’t people just be happy and let me (and Stevie B, of course) just get on with running the country. Anyways, go on another march for all I care. Regular exercise can have a profoundly positive impact on depression and anxiety but you need more than the once-every-four year amble
This was my favorite tweet last week
Anyways back to the immigration issues. Sorry about the temproary hold up at airports. I can definitely recommend you travel in your own aircraft next time. Much less hassle.
It does seem to have wound up a lot of Muslims (? Moslems/islamists ? do they even know how to spell the name of their religion) so to avoid escalation I think we will have to remove any of their faith from the Armed Services. Can’t be too safe in protection of the homeland
The Wall
No doubt you have all read my previous entry on this subject Too forward thinking. It’s my curse
So I have relented and have set into motion the
“impenetrable, physical, tall, powerful, beautiful, southern border wall”
President DJ Trump
N.B Reference to southern, JT. There could be more
It will be the longest wall in the World. Now I know China will dispute that with some alternativeFacts™ but they have refused a perfectly reasonable request for some of our Count It’s Amplitude (geddit) staff to go check it out on the grounds that they do not allow foreigners into their country carrying demolition equipment
Mexico are still up in arms about this and their President has cancelled a trip over here, probably because the only flight still available was on Air Mexico
Might be his last chance of course, unless he takes a wall-climbing course.
I’m not sure what he is so upset about. It’s a blind trust but we all know which is the greatest construction company in the world and although I’m not allowed to suggest it, I’m sure a few Mexican illegals will be employed
The government will initially foot the bill, charge the Mexicans a reasonable rate of interest (say 35%) and all profits on it being a great tourist attraction will accrue to the Trump whichever company runs it
I’ll send Ivanka down for the ceremonial dig
That will get all the Mexican male population flocking there (especially as they won’t have jobs in the auto industry to go to by then)
Busy, Busy, Busy
Apparently, I have undone in three days more than Obama did in eight years. Pretty impressive
Anyways, my plans to shut down government bodies informing the public; reduce regulations by 75%; anger environmentalists by resurrecting the Keystone pipeline; stir up our neighbours to the south by starting the wall; cutting company taxes; stomping down on funding for abortion/safe areas; and banning moslems from entering the country etc. all on the quiet, didn’t work out.
The first part - the diversionary tactic worked a treat. I got my Press Secretary to spice up the numbers who watched my inauguration. Here is an extract from day 2 of this kerfuffle
And my homily on the rain that wasn’t (#alternativeFact™)
Of course the slow-witted lefties picked up on these porkies and brought in crowd scientists, whatever they are. (cloud scientists with a lisp. Ed.), to dispute the White House figures and almighty bickering pursued.
My favorite loony-left paper, The Guardian are still pursuing it. You would think that me claiming that the vote was rigged even though I won was an obvious laugh at their expense but, no, the po-faced scribblers are treating it serously!
I mean who the fuck really cares about numbers or a bit of rain!
But, I just couldn’t follow through by signing all these presidential orders whilst sitting on the john.
Apparently the MSM that so despises me still needs my pictures and videos as click-bait for their failing enterprises. Otherwise they would have to bore readers with stories about how Obama is setting up some scam with a charity as its front and hell would freeze over before that happens
So there were loads of chants from NYT and Washington Post hacks of “We want Trump, We want Trump” and I relented. I know. I’m a big softy at heart
Theresa May Pt.1
One of the things you learn in business negotiations and, going by recent presidents, never in public service is to be unpredictable. I want to MakeAmericaGreat again and one way is to destabilize all of our main trading rivals.
I’ve already got Japan in a tizzy with my comments on Toyota when I threatened them with a border tax if they build a plant in Mexico. Conicidentally, a day after I had sold my stock in the company
The next stage is to build on Brexit to encourage defragmentation of Europe
All those ‘public’ i.e private one sex schools with their fagging, paddling and god knows what else going on in the UK has led their leaders to being keen to bend over for any US President(think of Blair as GW’s poodle on Iraq)
Only Margaret Thatcher was made of sterner stuff so I wanted to test out Theresa May to see if she was one of the boys. I deliberately did not take her call as one of the first ten congratulatory messages - putting such economic powerhouses as Ireland and Egypt ahead of her
And Yep she wants from behind. Sent me a fawning letter littered with references to our ‘special relationship’. She probably means it in a physical as well as metaphorical state but sorry. No Can Do
There once was a PM called May
Who came a-calling one day
She asked if I would
I said that I could
But with her? No fucking way!
Anyways, I’ll set up some relatively favourable deal for the UK, so that other countries in the EU will jump ship, and just renege on it when it suits
As a footnote, thinking of Maggie (Thatcher) and (Theresa) May brings to mind my older-than-me buddy, Rod Stewart. Now there’s a man who knew a good piece of ass when he saw it
and as the Daily Mail reminds us the lady in question did miss out before her untimely death
What’s wrong with that? Nowhere do I mention pussy!
Numbers Schnumbers
So after my pleas for unity and America First a bunch of pinko women take a day out to be divisive. Talk about definition of fellow-travellers. And yet they complain about me cozying up to Putin, about the one remaining communist outside of Washington, DC
I’m sure their husbands, fathers etc. were glad they were out of the house but they still could not pick the right day. Why not Sunday when the games are on and all the good old boys want to do is sit down with their buddies have a few beers and crack some pussy jokes
At least one of these conspirators stayed home to doctor the numbers as well. Here is the authoratitive version
Largest audience period. Of course, billions more Chinese have gotten TVs in the past 4 years and they are keen to witness the inauguration of a man who will stand up to them rather than his spineless predecessors. But so what. Still the largest
Now we get to the phake photos. And believe me, I know what I’m talking about here
The above picture is taken from an article from that pillar of neutrality the British Guardian and purports to show how many more Obama got in 2009.
It’s a phake photo!
- Mine was taken days before the inauguration not during it
- There are buildings in the fore-ground of mine and not his. Obvious photoshopping
- Well of course it ‘looks’ like there are more in his. Black stands out more. Mine were mostly white haired old men
- In 2009 (you note they do not compare with the pitiful turnout in 2013) Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare had not been released
Here’s another one for that Women’s march
Clearly doctored. Repetitive patterns everywhere. Do they really think people didn’t watch Lord of the Rings and all those orcs! Should do better ladies.
Anyways make the most of it. By the time I’ve slapped some decent levies on Chinese imports, wool will be too expensive for all that knitting - or whatever girls do when they get together
Back to work. Still a few more of Obama’s few actions to repeal
Inauguration notes
Boy this lineup stinks. Just been playing 3 Doors Down . Name sounds like where I’m going to stash the Russian hookers in relation to the Oval Office.
Anyways, their track ‘Here without You’ (irony? Ed.) is up to 288 million views on Youtube as I speak. Probably under a 1000 a week ago. Bet some of those that turned down the opportunity could have done with some of that publicity LOL
Not much humour in this ceremony so planning to bump up the laughs
My fellow Americans (and ex-President Obama), ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for Russia
PRESIDENT Donald J. Trump
See the old Bushes are planning to upstage me. Sounds like a murder/suicide gone wrong
Think I might get the FBI hand out some Trump masks for the dignataries to wear. Tell them there is a credible threat of an assassination attempt but I insisted on going ahead
More to come when I have time to reflect on the ceremony
Europe
Many of my fellow-Americans may think that Brexit is a cereal with a high fibre content but actually it is the word coined for the UK withdrawal from the European Union.
Another disaster for the pollsters who didnt realize that being a xenophobe does not automatically mean you are incapable of voting and that the working population of Britain (predominantly East Europeans) were not eligible. Same story over here come November 8th 2016, a date which will live in infamy
The UK are in for a big shock on negotiaitons though. If they get good terms you can bet it will be a mad rush by other countries to get out from under that EU bureacracy . The mandarins need to hang on to their cushy high-pension, unlimited-expenses livelihood. No-ones going to pay much for one of his speeches from the Assistant Manager of buildings and technical installations for the Historical Archives Service (Yes really)
Juncker might think he’s in for a junket but he’ll soon be driving one of these
| Juncker gets what | he deserves |
|---|---|
 |
 |
What with my pal Boris inferring implying (Ed.) that ex-French President, Hollande, was acting like a Nazi prison guard this has the potential to get ugly quickly and become the first war in Europe this century. Of course, our arms manufacturers are licking their lips. As members of NATO, we are obliged to come to the aid of any other member country. Of course, that would mean our military would be fighting itself
And some people thought I was crazy for wanting to get us out of that organization
Justin Trudeau
He’s young, athletic, charismatic and has a full head of hair
Q. What’s not to like?
A. He’s young, athletic, charismatic and has a full head of hair
It doesn’t take much to become President (Prime Minister Ed.) of Canada. In his case, being the son of his father: I guess that’s a British colonial nod to royalty
Thankfully, his honeymoon period is ending just as mine begins. Which reminds me his wife mentioned to me once that he was Justin by name and ‘Just in’ by nature. My sympathies extend to both of them
The Liberals (what we would call communists) up there have a history of corruption and it looks as though he is carrying on the party tradition by cosying up to the Aga Khan, who just happens to have received $300-million in Canadian international development funds for his “charity”. That’s 10 bucks every man, woman and child (many of them refugees) in Canada are giving to one of the World’s richest men!
After some badgering, their Ethics Commissioner is going to rap his knuckles. More like stroke his knuckles as any fine would be pitifully small. And anyways the Aga Khan (AKA Canadian tax-payers) will be more than happy to pony up
Oh FFS. Apparantly has to be translated into French or site will be blocked
Il est jeune, athlétique, charismatique et a une chevelure pleine de cheveux Q. Qu’est-ce qui ne vous plaît pas?
A. Il est jeune, athlétique, charismatique et a une tête pleine de cheveux
Il ne faut pas grand chose pour devenir le premier ministre du Canada. Dans son cas, étant le fils de son père: je suppose que c’est un clin d’oeil colonial britannique à la royauté
Heureusement, sa période de lune de miel se termine comme la mienne commence. Ce qui me rappelle que sa femme m’a mentionné une fois qu’il était Justin par son nom et «Just in» par nature. Mes sympathies s’étendent à tous les deux
Les libéraux (ce que nous appellerions les communistes) ont des antécédents de corruption et il semble qu’il continue la tradition du parti en s’accordant avec l’Aga Khan, qui vient d’avoir reçu 300 millions de dollars en fonds canadiens de développement international Pour sa «charité». C’est 10 dollars chaque homme, femme et enfant (beaucoup d’entre eux des réfugiés) au Canada donnent à l’un des hommes les plus riches du monde!
Après quelques blasphèmes, leur commissaire à l’éthique va frapper ses articulations (Plus comme un coup de joint ses jambes comme n’importe quelle amende serait piteusement petite. Et de toute façon l’Aga Khan (AKA contribuables canadiens) sera plus qu’heureux de poney vers le haut
Obama’s Farewell Address
Well that was damp squib. And I don’t just mean Obama tearing up
The man has no sense of the theatrical. When he did his “Yes we Did” schtick there should have been someone behind him dressed up to look like me shouting “No you didn’t” It’s still panto season for Chrissake!
If he had my business acumen he could turn it into a board game where contestants get a card with a quote on and have to guess the answer For example
| Question | Answer |
|---|---|
| Kill 1000 civilians with drones | Yes we did! |
| Enhance USA standing in world | No we didn’t! |
You get the idea
South Africa lite
Of course by the time my first term is up, America will be great again but when people ask me which country I see as most similar to ours I have to say South Africa
| South Africa | USA |
|---|---|
| Apartheid | Discrimination |
| WW2 Split Country | Joined 3 yrs late |
| Shanty Towns | Detroit |
| British/French colony | British/Dutch colony |
| Root out corruption (LOL) | Drain the swamp (lol) |
| Black President | Half-black President |
 |
 |
So they kinda outdo us on every score
Inauguration Music
It’s amazing how, when people don’t get invited to something, they pretend to have turned it down Take, for example, Swedish actress, Rebecca Ferguson (are you sure aboout this Ed.)
She has somehow got the idea in her head that we want her to sing at my inauguration.
WHY? (you are only making it worse ed.)
Added to which, she will only do it if she is allowed to sing a song called “Strange Fruit”. After a bit of googling this gets even bizarrer for a redhead. It’s not about a Rambutan but lynching - something that hasn’t happened in public since the days when the USA was under the auspicies of that great Democrat, Franklin Rooesevelt, more than 80 years ago. They should really do an update - surely there is enough ammunition in all the police killings of Blacks.
I might leave it open, though, so Barry has to learn the lines for when he is filmed singing along whilst I act appear Presidential
Anyways, several people have turned down the offer to participate - on the threat of being blackballed within the industry. Sad really. There should be a Committee looking into that.
Jesssica Simpson would perform, I’m sure, seeing as I made her career with her appearance in The Apprentice season 1 (available on DVD at all top stores). But she’s 36 now. ’Nuff said
So, as I speak, it looks like it will be the Beach Boys starring Mike self-Love. Hope they don’t do “God only knows”
Still if they bomb at least I will be even more center-stage
The climax will be the oath of the office. I’m doing away with this
I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States
Anon
and replacing it with
I’ve lived a life that’s full
I’ve traveled each and every highway
But more, much more than this
I did it my way
Regrets, I’ve had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course
Each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this
I did it my way
To think I did all that
And may I say - not in a shy way
Oh no, oh no, not me
I did it my way
Paul Anka in a very
presidentprecedent(prescient Ed.) moment
Even if don’t do a Mariah-Carey-like lyp-synch, it’s bound to sound better than the original
Obesity
Desperately seeking something US is tops in for Obama to go out on a high note (or in this case a heavy note) and found it here
Yes we are the fattest nation on Earth. YEE-HAH!
Of course, Barry has kept himself trim with all that golfing (300 rounds and counting) and I’m in great shape for a man half my age with all that #GTBTP action
However, unlike my predecessor I want to do something about this. Getting people more active will do more in reducing ordinary people health costs than any Obamacae nonsense
So I’m proposing contentious measures to get people - especially young ones - obtaining some physical activity by marching in the streets in protest. This will also have the useful side-effect of increasing social interactuion something that is lost with them spending all their time on Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram … Twitter being the notable exception of course
Unfortunately, some of the House Republicans got ahead of themselves by trying to usurp MY publicity by neutering the Office of Congressional Ethics. I soon made them backtrack on that one
Makes you wonder what some of the proposers might be personally trying to hide? Something for my back-pocket if things get tricky in Congress
Good Country Index
Never heard of it? Me neither but I quote
The idea of the Good Country Index is simple: to measure what each country on earth contributes to the common good of humanity
Apparantly we came 4th in 2011 and a little bird told me that Barrack was looking forward to having the more recent ranking being trumpeted as a mainstay of his legacy. Smacks of desperation but when you have done so little else what choice did he have: but even that had to be shelved as we slipped to 20th!
Not something I will likely be dwelling on when my eight years are up
It’s by some prof, Simon Anholt, from a provincial English town. He has less than 0.1% of my twitter followers and spouts his twaddle on TED talks (TED is short for Tedious by the way)
Other than sheep-shagging, there is obviously little else to do from where this country-bumpkin hails from as he has now come up with another beauty The Global Vote
For the first time in history, anybody on earth can vote in the election of any country on earth.
He has this delusion that anybody with an internet connection can just have a say in other countries decision making. Er, Dumbo it doesn’t work that way. It really doesn’t
Want a laugh. Here’s how anybody on earth voted in our recent Presidential election (which I won in a canter by the way)
Maybe #CrookedHillary got caught up in all this and did some campaigning in Europe rather than the rust-belt states that proved her undoing
Looks like #ObamaTheAbstainer got quite a healthy tap-in vote - presumably from fellow-Kenyans
Here’s what Simple Simon said after Brexit - another one they got completely wrong
so many people telling me that this is the best idea they’ve heard in years, and truly, sincerely hoping the project will survive, and grow, and bring some light in these dark days. I promise that it will survive, it will grow, and it will bring light: with your help and your continued votes.
God help us. Send for the white coats